The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

Wow, I didn't realize it had been almost a month since my last post. Sorry folks! It's not to stay that much hasn't been happening, in fact it's the opposite but in a different way. For some reason when I started this blog I only felt the need to post all the great, happy things that have happened to me during this 2 year journey. I figured no one wants to read about my struggles. But the truth is, part of this journey has come with struggles and difficulties and it's just as important to post those so I can look back and have a true representation of what I experienced while I was in London.

So, I'm not sure if I'm breaking the rules of blogging or whatever but I'm going to share my struggles over the last month or so.

It's hard to say when I realized I was feeling down and just unhappy here in London but I think as everyday passed it just got to be harder and harder. Hard, personally and professionally. I never thought transitioning to my new job here would come with challenges, boy was I wrong. Even though I'm working for the same company it's was as if I'd started a brand new job. I was back at square one in terms of my learning curve and that was definite blow to my ego. I wasn't running the show to speak. Back at Taco Bell I knew so much, I had done so much, and I came into this job expecting the same. That was my first mistake. I couldn't understand why I was so frustrated with my job and why I wasn't "producing". Duh, Mita you're new you don't know this market, you don't know the UK consumer it's going to take time to figure these things out. I needed to be patient, something you all know I'm not very good at. I have always defined myself by my career and now that my career was no longer fulfilling me, I felt empty. That was my second mistake. I realized I had to define myself and find happiness with other things rather than through my career, but I didn't know what those things were since I never had to deal with this.

Coupled with these professional struggles, the feeling of loneliness was really beginning to settle in. Even though I'd been blessed with numerous visitors, every time someone left it made me miss home even more. I was longing for my old life back in Orange County, all the great friends I hung out with, all the fun things I did, the fully packed social life. I definitely don't have the friend circle here that I have at home. But again, I can't expect that to happen here. The friendships I built back home took years to foster and develop. It's going to take me more than 1o months to get that here. I also really missed my mom. I used to see her so much when I was home and we would talk everyday. Here I was talking to her once a week if things worked out between our schedules.

The problem was I had let all this unhappiness start to affect my health, which was preventing me from living and enjoying my life in London. I'm not going to go into the details but the physical illness, the mental depression all lead to my breaking point.

A breaking point that resulted in me questioning whether or not to stay in London. In order to make this decision I had to step away from what I was going through. So, I came home for a week. I know some of you are reading this and wondering why I didn't get in touch with you. This trip home for me was more about personal reflection rather than visiting with friends. Hopefully that's something people can understand. I did a lot of thinking while I was at home, spent time with my mom and only a few very close friends, and talked to my old employer.

After weighing all my options I decided to make the decision to stay in London. I'll be honest, it wasn't the easy decision. There were more times during my stay at my home that I was ready to come back home to the safety and comfort of what I knew. But in the back of my mind I knew that would be easy and easy is what I've always done. It was time for me to challenge myself, and be strong. That is why I moved to London in the first place. Also, if I came home I knew I would have regrets. Having regrets is something I didn't want to live with. That would have been much harder to deal with then the shit I was dealing with in London.

I've come back now with a fresh perspective and a game plan. I've swallowed my pride and approached my job in a whole new way. Things are already improving on that front. Personally, I am seeing doctors to help me with my physical illness and my sadness. I started doing yoga again and am starting to practice mediation. I've also decided it's ok to miss my family and friends and I should just go home as much as I need too. So I'll be coming home two more times this year and twice next year. All these things are going to get me to a place of happiness. I know it's possible, I just have to be focused and strong and let people help me. The important thing for me to remember is this was the lowest moment during my stay here and now that I've written about it, I can remind myself that I never want to be there again. I have to remember how lucky and fortunate I am to be given this experience and that overall my life is pretty great.

Sorry for the downer post, but it was really important to me that I share this with everyone including myself. Here's to more happy posts in the near future!